Every week real insights from private coaching with high performing men rekindling desire, connection, sex, and intimacy in their marriage.
Emotional Constipation: What It Cost David and What It's Costing You
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There is great polarity that exists when talking to men about emotions. It’s not a novel concept, but I believe it is one that needs more attention in leadership circles were men tend to lean on their knowledge and facts. Here are the most common ways I hear it. “I don’t have emotions.” “I’m not emotional.” “I have to keep going.” I want to sound the alarm. This is not how we are designed. It does not take long to notice male loneliness, depression, suicide, gambling, addictions, and thumb-numb scrolling. We all have a fig leaf that we working hard to protect an image. I hear men put on this armor of protection and avoid emotions by openly admitting “I am not like my wife or I can’t stand the women in the office because they are emotional.” We are flat-out living in self-deception and pride. We hide our anger, bitterness, contempt, pride, comfort and cover it with being fig leaf of being fine. It is as if we are openly choosing to live with emotional constipation. We would rather live in the discomfort of not naming what we are experiencing on the inside of our life for fear of being rejected, which is the essence of why vulnerability matters. One question I wrestle with in the context of growing up as a modern man - “Do you have to blow your life up in order to experience transformation?” David Benner, would suggest that it is a path of a drowning man. “Because it is hollow at the core, the life of a false self is a life of excessive attachments. Seeking to avoid implosion and nonbeing, the false self grasps for anything that appears to have substance and then clings to these things with the tenacity of a drowning man.” One place in particular I have been drawn to lately and is the life of David. Most God-fearing Christian men want to be like David and a man after God’s own heart. We are quick to look at his battles, successes, sufferings, and lust. However, there is one peculiar place that needs our attention. “In the spring, at the time when kings go out to battle, David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel. And they ravaged the Ammonites and besieged Rabbah. But David remained at Jerusalem." 2 Samuel 11:1 ESV Did you see it? David made a decision to remain in Jerusalem. This ultimately leads to his sin and decision to sleep with Bathsheba, which is often the crux of how most seek to talk about the story. For a moment he chooses comfort over his truest identity of being king and joining his men in battle. We do not know the timespan, but David was like every other man I know. His choice of comfort leads to isolation possible feelings of being unwanted or unseen. Therefore, in his unhealth he makes a unhealthy decision. No man wants to be known as needy, but our need is exactly how we live in deeper relationship with ourselves, our spouse, and with God. When we do not openly live with our needs being known then we will make decisions that are counter to how are needs are intended to be met. I have transitioned my opening questions with my coaching clients to clearly name this space and step directly into what each man is currently feeling. It usually sounds like this in our session after a quick check-in: What are you feeling as you step into our time together? I want to intentionally give space to the heart of man for them to be known and seen in their inmost being. Most CEO’s, founders, and owners I walk alongside do not have a trusted partner on their spiritual leadership journey to openly tell the truth about what why are experiencing below the surface. David made dumb decisions that led him outside of his truest identity with the Lord, but this path also led him to pen many of the Psalm and get in touch - dare I say, “his feelings.” “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” Psalm 139:23-24 ESV Why does this matter to you, your marriage, or organization you lead? The one who owns their emotions is the leader who can stay connected through vulnerability and begin to change a marriage or organization. Learning to stand in the strength of your weakness and bring that forward in emotionally secure ways is the leader who is learning to hold onto his emotions, name them, and live in transformation to those around him. Edwin Friedman who was an expert on managing leadership anxiety would say it this way: “A willingness to be exposed and vulnerable. One of the major limitations of imagination’s fruits is the fear of standing out. It is more than a fear of criticism. It is anxiety at being alone, of being in a position where one can rely little on others, a position that puts one’s own resources to the test, a position where one will have to take total responsibility for one’s own response to the environment. Leaders must not only not be afraid of that position; they must come to love it.” The emotional capacity of a leader is not found in hiding from feelings. Instead it is found in the ability to tell the truth about your feelings, renew the false for what is true, and live in communal transformation. This week in your marriage or organization, work on identifying what you are experiencing underneath the surface, seek to name it out loud, then name what is true, and in this way others around you will begin to know what a transformed leader life looks like. The path of becoming a healthy leader with a healthy marriage is a narrow path and walking this path alone is dangerous. If you want a clear read on where that's costing you in your marriage right now, take the free High Performance Marriage Scan. |
High Performance Marriage
Every week real insights from private coaching with high performing men rekindling desire, connection, sex, and intimacy in their marriage.
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