Our words carry significant weight. Our tongue is like a rudder on a ship, as James says, small but powerful. I believe one of the primary principles of having a high-performing marriage is trust. The foundation of trust is being a consistent person who lives by the standard of your word. Trust is using your words to help establish a future desire or reality.

Jesus makes it clear from Matthew 5:37 how simple integrity needs to be, and it starts with a simple yes or no. And the book of wisdom points to the deeper truth that our tongue has power.

Over the years, I have had many people break their trust by simply showing up late. Or even a simple statement about: "Let's get together for lunch." And you know how often these statements get thrown around with no follow-through. Good intentions, but this creates a subtle deception in our heart. Over a decade ago, I was receiving mentoring and supervision, and this particular supervisor was late to our first meeting together. He could have easily blamed traffic, but instead he said, “I apologize for being late. I could make an excuse. The truth is I did not calculate enough time for traffic.” This man was seeking to live with deep integrity. Instead of easily shifting blame, he took complete ownership.

Examine Your Beliefs

One reason I have a low tolerance for my own tardiness, much less anyone else's, is because I have vivid memories of broken promises and trust lost from my dad when I was in elementary school. Two decades ago, while I was working through forgiveness with my dad, I clearly remember a time when he was supposed to pick me up from school. My parents were divorced, and it was his Friday to pick me up for the weekend. I remember my principal staying with me until what felt like almost dusk. These memories and stories have been redeemed, but I hope they serve as an example of how our worldview begins to shape our beliefs and operating patterns.

The Test

Let’s try an exercise to test the value of your word. It is a simple example, one not intended to bring shame, but it is a concept that I believe helps make this principle practical. Are you a man of your word?

The alarm clock test will tell you the truth.

What time did you set your alarm today? What time did you get up? Did you get up immediately? Or did you hit snooze one to three times?

The way we approach our alarm clock is a belief that carries with us throughout our day. When we tell ourselves the truth about what time we're actually getting up — instead of hitting snooze and living in the false reality of 'five more minutes' — we build trust in ourselves that carries into the rest of the day.

(If you reflect on moments of joy, aliveness, and clarity. You probably felt like this picture of my daughter getting out of bed. Pumped and terrified all in the same moment.)

Real Life

I was working with a man a while back who wanted to get back to the gym. The reasons were simple: wellness, stress relief, and losing weight. However, his wife did not believe him. Why? Because she had seen her husband say he was going to do various things, including fitness, and she would roll her eyes at his half-hearted attempt. Once we worked through his beliefs, goals, values, and stuck memories, that would help him forge a new path. I made it clear to him that he was to do nothing. No announcement about his new goal or desire.

Focus on becoming the man who says he's going to the gym at a given time, kisses his wife goodbye, and says, 'I'll be back in an hour. No fanfare. No validation needed. Compounding this daily decision over months will not only get you fit; it will create a pathway to a flourishing marriage. Life is built on small daily decisions, first to ourselves and then to those around us. A man of his word begins to be a man with a clear vision and purpose.

The quickest path to restore and make a stronger marriage is to become clear with your yes and no. The misnomer about being a high performer is not getting more done; it is about living in integrity and character with who you are and who you are becoming.

Coaching

How often are you showing up five or ten minutes late for scheduled time with colleagues, friends, small group, or even date night? What is the cumulative effect this is having on the space between you and the trust in your relationships? Where can you shift your intentions this week?

Ready to take your marriage to the next level? Get your free High Performance Marriage Score and clarity on your next best step in your most valuable relationship.

Be Strong, Lantz Howard ​​​​​

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