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Becoming Wholehearted by Lantz Howard

The Two Deepest Cuts on a Man's Identity

Published 15 days ago • 2 min read

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The two deepest cuts on a man's identity: occupation and dad.

Both were taken from me in the same week.

Two years ago, I was at one of my deepest and darkest places.
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My dad died, and I got fired, in the same week.
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I did not know the full gravity of grief until, during the winter months, I found myself in rage, throwing the plyometric box down the road and a 10lb weight through the wall of my garage.
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Days later, I was attempting to express what had happened to a few close men and mentors.
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One man met me in my shame and said, "Only if you could have seen the holes I punched in my house when ... "
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The other expressed that he had never experienced that type of anger or rage. He did not intend to shut me down, but his inability to connect and empathize was another dot in the storyline of seemingly good Christian men acting as if they had always had it all together.
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And I can see in the rearview mirror how I have expressed a similar well-intended heart, but have cut off deeper relationships from a self-righteous posture.
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Over the last two years, I have been reminded by this quote and a book on grief I read in that season. Grief has a way of reframing our identity and recalibrating our heart.

“We do not always have the freedom to choose the roles we must play in life, but we can choose how we are going to play the roles we have been given." Jerry Sittser

God brought to my mind the scripture about restoration because not only in that season was there major grief, we had a storm take out three massive trees in our front yard, our grass had gotten eaten by grub worms, and I was trying to figure out how to transition a part-time coaching to a full-time income.
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"I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you." Joel 2:25

Oftentimes, we have to go on a journey to recover our heart's desire and in the process become the man who God is entrusting.
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How is your heart brother? You cannot locate your heart in theory or even by knowing more scripture. You can only begin to locate your heart when the suffering happens and you are willing to surrender to the process.
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“The heart cannot be taught in a classroom intellectually, to students mechanically taking notes. … Good, wise hearts are obtained through lifetimes of diligent effort to dig deeply within and heal lifetimes of scars. … You can’t teach it or email it or tweet it. It has to be discovered within the depths of one’s...own heart when a person is finally ready to go looking for it, and not before.” The Road to Character, David Brooks
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Finally, this is hitting me recently because Jessica and I spent time putting down a portion of a paver stone that is a miracle moment. In the background of the picture, the three giant trees are gone. However, the people we have become over the last 2 years are richer and deeper in his great love and compassion towards us.
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Wherever you are on the journey of becoming wholehearted, hold fast!

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Becoming Wholehearted by Lantz Howard

I help high-achieving men strengthen their relationships.

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